Welcome to the Bottom
his inner voice said
after he was shoved
on the floor
But what if this isn’t the bottom
what if there is more to fall
a scary thought
just as scary as the guy who pushed him
if not more
What if there is more to fall
he didn’t know what to do
he thought about starting over
but he had tried that before
and discovered
that there was
no place to go
no doors opened
no couches for him to rest
all just empty gestures
said but never truly meant
He thought about what
if this isn’t the bottom
How much more could he fall
How much would his heart allow him
to handle
up till then
he barley mustered up strength
for the day
saying things will get better
they must because this is bottom
the only way is up
it had not hit him
that there might be more to fall
He remembered a long time a ago
he felt like this
but he had risen
he didn’t recall it being this bad
this suffocating
this disastrous
and as hope left his body
he did not cling to it
he just let it go
He thought about just staying on the floor
that if he was lucky maybe he would just die here
maybe he could be invisible
perhaps he would be happy on the bar floor
The man who had shoved in bar brawl
appeared perplex as expecting to be met by fists of retaliation
not a plank on the floor
he looked up at the ceiling
he thought he could stay here
if he didn’t move things could stop
perhaps he could freeze time
abandon responsibilities
his eyes watered
he thought about all the stupid mistakes
and he thought
I wish I would have
stayed in contact with a frank,
he wished he didn’t buy that shirt,
he wished he never went on that trip
all of his choices,
became regrets,
and those regrets seemed
to create fake realities
in which he was happy
in which every decision lead to a better reality
he scrutinized ever word he utter
every handshake
every step he walked
he thought of screaming
and he kept repeating
what if this is not the bottom
how much more do I have to fall
and after he fell about as far
as his self loathing could get him
he flexed his foot and
started to prep
to get up again