More To Fall, Poem (42/365)

Welcome to the Bottom

his inner voice said

after he was shoved

on the floor

But what if this isn’t the bottom

what if there is more to fall

a scary thought

just as scary as the guy who pushed him

if not more

What if there is more to fall

he didn’t know what to do

he thought about starting over

but he had tried that before

and discovered

that there was

no place to go

no doors opened

no couches for him to rest

all just empty gestures

said but never truly meant

He thought about what

if this isn’t the bottom

How much more could he fall

How much would his heart allow him

to handle

up till then

he barley mustered up strength

for the day

saying things will get better

they must because this is bottom

the only way is up

it had not hit him

that there might be more to fall

He remembered a long time a ago

he felt like this

but he had risen

he didn’t recall it being this bad

this suffocating

this disastrous

and as hope left his body

he did not cling to it

he just let it go

He thought about just staying on the floor

that if he was lucky maybe he would just die here

maybe he could be invisible

perhaps he would be happy on the bar floor

The man who had  shoved in bar brawl

appeared perplex as expecting to be met by fists of retaliation

not a plank on the floor

he looked up at the ceiling

he thought he could stay here

if he didn’t move things could stop

perhaps he could freeze time

abandon responsibilities

his eyes watered

he thought about all the stupid mistakes

and he thought

I wish I would have

stayed in contact with a frank,

he wished he didn’t buy that shirt,

he wished he never went on that trip

all of his choices,

became regrets,

and those regrets seemed

to create fake realities

in which he was happy

in which every decision lead to a better reality

he scrutinized ever word he utter

every handshake

every step he walked

he thought of screaming

and he kept repeating

what if this is not the bottom

how much more do I have to fall

and after he fell about as far

as his self loathing could get him

he flexed his foot and

started to prep

to get up again

 

 

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